Echo
by ksfd89
Summary: Oneshot from Rory's POV during the events of The Real Paul Anka. Kind of a companion piece to Ellipsis but you don't need to read it to follow this. I hope you enjoy it! Gilmore Girls isn't mine.


**Oneshot from Rory's POV during the events of The Real Paul Anka. It's kind of a companion piece to Ellipsis but you don't need to read it to understand this. **

She stands alone in the room, the letter in her hand. The paper is warm and comforting and Rory reads it and reads it, her name over and over: _Rory Gilmore_. She likes the starkness of the type, how Jess's name sits boldly above hers in black pen. Her breath catches as she thinks that it is not over, he wants to see her again, she is invited into his life.

Logan left a while ago but Rory stands still in the space he vacated, in his empty apartment. She lives there but it's his place, not hers, and though she doesn't say so, her mind whispers that this too is just temporary. Rory stands surrounded by Logan's collection of expensive things and feels another surge of annoyance at it all, all this stuff, which costs more than one down payment on her mother's couch. Logan has gone and she is not sorry and Rory folds the paper in half and puts it in her pocket, turning to go in the kitchen and make coffee.

She is happy to have the apartment to herself but doesn't feel freed by it. It's odd, she feels lonely, but not left alone. The walls feel pressing, that she is being boxed in, and nothing in the apartment is hers. All she brought were clothes and books, which are sitting in a closet out of sight and Rory knows that even if she got them out it would not change a thing. It is not her home and it never will be but Rory knows, as she goes into the kitchen, that she'll never tell Logan that. It will hurt him.

She has wanted to hurt Logan though. She's felt like being spiteful and knows she has been, making a fight out of the smallest things. There is a constant flow of frustration when she thinks of her boyfriend and she is angry with Logan over nothing at all, turning away when he tries to kiss her. Rory doesn't want to see him, talk to him, and when he walked out just now she let out a breath she didn't know she'd been holding. They did not kiss goodbye.

_You still haven't forgiven me. _No, she hasn't, but it's more than that. As well as the anger for cheating, of which there is plenty, Rory has disgust deeper than that. His lack of foresight, his ability to buy his way out of anything, is annoying her. The charm she once felt is replaced with irritation. When he told her his plans for this weekend all she could think was how stupid it was, how dangerous, and she felt like storming out when he said that was the point. Logan doesn't care, he doesn't care about anything and when that dazzled Rory once upon a time it angers her now. She hopes something goes wrong. She hopes they mess it up and think, for once in their lives, and obviously they won't. They'll do it perfectly and drink themselves into a stupor and plan something equally dumb in the future. Rory could hear it, as she saw Logan leave, his thoughts on getting away from her. No cellphone range and no girlfriend to wreck the fun. _Screw you, Logan_. She doesn't want to talk to him either.

Rory starts the percolator and opens the invitation back up. She smiles at the writing, the logo in the corner for Truncheon Books. Jess has done it, he's written a book, just as she knew he could. Jess had so much potential and it always amazed Rory that no one else could see it. He was so smart, he read as much as her if not more, and he could easily do his schoolwork if he wanted to. Rory remembers all the afternoons in Stars Hollow where they'd argue about books, out in the square or on the bridge, talking until their voices were hoarse, and though they didn't always agree that just made it more exciting. Dean never had an opinion on the books she read. He read them sometimes, after she pressed them on him, but beside saying it was _good_, he didn't have much more to add and would suggest going to a movie or watch him play sports. Logan's smart, he knows lots of authors, but it's mostly due to school and rage boils up once more as Rory remembers how he sat there and mocked Jess, who has sat down and wrote a book, acting as if it were the easiest thing in the world. As if Logan ever put serious work into anything.

_We used to make fun of guys like this. _Rory knows Jess would have loathed Logan even if he hadn't been such an ass. Jess never had patience for spoiled rich guys and Rory felt embarrassed as he added, _you, going out with this jerk, with a Porsche! _The conversation is fresh in her mind and shame swallows her as Rory sees Jess's face in her mind, etched with concern._ Screw him! What's going on with _you_? What's going on? I know you better than anyone, this isn't you. _The way he stared at her, not letting go, and how she had no answer. The disappointment in his eyes as he asked why she dropped out of Yale, and how all she could say was that she didn't know. It was true, but it wasn't enough, yet it was all she could say. Rory watched as he walked away, half wishing to run after him, but she didn't. She went back inside to Logan who yelled at her when she tried to explain, saying she was blaming him. Logan didn't want to know what was going on. He had sex with some bridesmaids instead.

Rory can feel the anger bubbling back up but it's muted now. She now feels a general sense of dissatisfaction, disappointment in their relationship. She yearns for things to be how they were. She moved out of her grandparents', re-enrolled at Yale and made up with her mother but there is a still a sense that something is missing, that things are off balance. The coffee is ready and Rory pours it into a cup before drinking it in one gulp, enjoying the blistering sensation in her throat. It's a welcome distraction, shaking her out of this dragging sadness she's been donned in all day, all week, all month. She puts the cup down and looks back at the invitation, excitement stirring inside. Rory is going to go now. She doesn't need to, could leave a little later, but can't bear the thought of stagnating in this apartment for another moment so grabs her purse, her keys and runs out to the car. She is going to Philadelphia to see Jess and there's that old feeling, the knowledge that anything can happen with him. _Think of how dull your life would be without me._

The drive doesn't take long but Rory's mind is not on the road. She's aware of other cars, drives automatically, but her thoughts are somewhere else, tangled in memory. She remembers that night they drove around Stars Hollow, when they should have been studying, and when she asked him about the future he shrugged and said _wherever, whatever_. She knew it was a front, that he could do more than he was making out. He teased her, joking about pom-poms, but she didn't back down. She knew he had a great mind, that he was just acting like Kurt Cobain and when she told him so he called her Courtney and she laughed out loud, giggling like the teenage girl she was. She recovered quickly and said proudly, _I'm going to Harvard...I'm going to be a journalist._ She was going to be just like Christiane Amanpour and when she got nervous, after Jess said it sounded a little rough for her, he made her laugh, saying he'd help her prepare. Rory's smile fades as she thinks of it, how determined and sure she was. There was never any doubt in her mind about where she was going. She'd been a little nervous at the thought of leaving home, starting school, but she knew it would work out. She never imagined it wouldn't, that she wouldn't succeed.

The dragging sadness is tugging again. She screwed up. She screwed up so badly and she knows it. She didn't want to mess it all up, drop out and work at the DAR, it just kind of happened. Rory winces at how weak it sounds, even to her, but there is no other way to explain it. That sounds weak too. If she was forced to talk about it, Rory would suppose it started that first year of Yale. She was so excited to go there. Okay, it wasn't Harvard and there was a change in the life plan, but it was a good change. If anything it was better, it was closer to home. 22.8 miles, he looked it up. When Rory envisioned her freshman year, all those years ago, she imagined Jess coming to stay, driving her home at the weekends and between that and Lorelai visiting she'd barely feel as if she'd left home. She'd study hard, work on the paper and keep up her average. It would all work out. And then it didn't.

Her relationship ended with Jess, which was hard enough, but it wasn't just that. She couldn't keep up with work, she had to drop a class, but the worst thing was being so utterly lonely. Lorelai visited a lot but then she'd go home and Rory would sit in her room, missing her, while Paris fought with Janet over morning alarms and craft corners and tried to pretend it wasn't bothering her. She hadn't left the state but it felt as if she'd moved to California, and Rory couldn't talk to anyone about it. Paris thrived on being out of Chilton, plus she was so busy with that professor, and Lorelai was busy with the inn, her own problems. Rory didn't realise how much she'd missed Lane until she had to move out of the room and everything she remembers from that year is a long, painful ache of sadness. Rory was failing and it all fell apart.

Rory blinks, staring at the road. She doesn't want to think about this. She's been trying so hard lately to focus on going ahead, making up for lost time, putting this year behind her. The memories are crowding her now and Rory thinks, too, about how Jess told her he loved her and then drove away. How he came back at the end of the year, out of nowhere and asking her to go with him, get out of this place. It was crazy and insane and Dean was outside and she couldn't think and all she could say was no, when he asked her if she loved him. She wasn't thinking, she just said it, and he looked as if she'd hit him as he turned and walked away and she sat on a box and wept. It was too much, it was too hard and then Dean was there, whom she always relied on, and it was easier to go back to him. Another mistake, a huge mistake, but she thought Dean was safer. He said he still loved her, she had to try. And that fell apart too, and then there was Logan. He didn't care about responsibilities, about working hard. He said she should live a little, so she did.

She never wanted to quit. Rory never quit. All she wanted was time. When Logan's dad told her she didn't have what it takes to be a correspondent, everything just came crashing down. There didn't seem to be any point anymore. She'd worked all her life for this one goal and now she was told by the most important man in journalism she couldn't do it. Rory was tired. She was so tired of working hard and not being able to handle her classes or write good articles or manage Yale that she decided to take a break. She didn't understand why Lorelai didn't understand, of all people. Of course her mother was upset, but it hurt Rory that she couldn't understand why she needed the space. Rory remembers how they left Chilton, all those years ago after being hit by the deer, and her mother promising she could leave if it was all too much. Rory had laughed, assuring her it wasn't, but now she needed the time to think and her mother wasn't listening. Rory was mad, Lorelai was mad and somehow she ended up living in her grandparents' poolhouse and working at the DAR. It was only going to be a month, not a longterm thing, and as for stealing the boat and getting arrested...Rory shakes her head. How did she screw it up so much, fail so badly? What would Jess say if he knew she'd taken a yacht for a joyride? He was disappointed in her and he didn't even know any of it.

She'll be seeing him in less than an hour. Rory swallows, blinking away the moisture in her eyes. She wonders what he'd say if she told him she used to want to call him, last year and even the year before that, when she was feeling scared and alone. That she missed the sound of his voice and wanted him to calm her down and make her laugh, but be serious at the same time and really listen. She knew she'd never call him, even if she'd had a number, but she wanted to, a lot. She tried to tell herself she didn't miss him, because she was still mad, but it was a lie, and she pined. She missed it all. She misses hearing him listen. Logan always makes her laugh but he doesn't listen. That was one the things that drew her to him, how relaxed he was and carefree, how he made her excited, but he never wanted to have serious conversations and Dean never understood, or tried to. He would change the subject. Jess never changed the subject. He'd always listen, look into her eyes and stop her from freaking out. It's one of the things she misses most, their conversations. She hadn't seen him in two years but they talked as though no time had changed. He had no trouble seeing she'd messed up, or saying it. He's so easily honest with her and Rory knows there's no need to pretend. He knows her better than anyone.

She is almost there now. She can't imagine what she's going to say to him. _I couldn't have done it without you. _That's what he said to her, and she wants to try and thank him too. Tell him that what he said to her woke her from her daze, that it was like someone had thrown icy water over her or made her look in a mirror. That if he hadn't said those things to her, she thinks – knows – she'd probably still be at her grandparents', not at Yale and telling herself she'd go back next year. That she wouldn't have made up with Lorelai and it'd still be killing her inside. That she knew he could be anything and do anything and if anyone thought he couldn't, they're crazy. That his book was better than she ever imagined and she wants to read it again and again, and how proud she is. That it sounds like nobody else and that's what she loves best. That it made her light up inside when he remembered her birthday, when it was two weeks ago and they never even celebrated it together, and the only reason Logan knew was because her grandmother told him, not because he asked. Rory remembers Jess asking. They were sitting by the lake one late summer's evening and he said _Hey, when's your birthday? _ and she told him, _October 8__th _and he said that he wanted to celebrate hers, even though Lorelai would do something special, and Rory remembers the sweet surge of happiness as she imagined it. She would have been nineteen that year, her last year as a teenager, and Jess made a joke about doing something dumb and immature _like egging cars _and they both laughed out loud, knowing he knew. It all seems so long ago, the girl a distant cousin from a life Rory no longer inhabits.

She's here. She parks easily, around the corner, unlocks her seatbelt and gets out. She smooths her jacket down, brushes the hair from her face, and as she approaches the building fleetingly thinks how her hair resembles how it was when they were together, long and loose with the bangs pinned away to clear her face. She stops for a moment, wondering if she should have called, but Jess won't care and it's too late now so she pushes her way inside. The place is full, buzzing with murmured conversation, and some poor poetry, but Rory doesn't pay attention to that. She's seen Jess instantly, talking to some guys, and she waits, patiently, for him to turn around and when he does it's perfect.

He looks great, smart but not stuffy, and when he sees her all she can do is smile. He smiles too and Rory is taken back to the day in New York when she tapped him on the shoulder in Washington Square Park, and he didn't say _what are you doing here _or _why aren't you at school, _instead he just looked as if he knew she was coming and wasn't surprised at all. He says he's surprised now, but he doesn't sound it. He sounds like he expected her.

He leads her around the Truncheon and Rory is more than impressed. She wants to come here properly, write and feel inspired and Jess laughs but in an affectionate way. They talk to Luke and Rory is introduced to April, which Rory is still wrapping her head around, and Jess makes a sarcastic joke after April says his books are easy to skim, sounding like the teenager he once was. April says Rory has a great face which is an odd compliment, but she'll take it, and Jess talks to Luke privately for a moment. Rory can't hear them but she looks up to see them hug, which makes her happy. Luke and April have to go and then it's just him and her, left to themselves and for a moment Rory feels like when she was eighteen and they'd sneak upstairs to the apartment over the diner. Then he turns and smiles and Rory smiles too, feeling the same kind of urge, but they're not eighteen, they're adults and he leads her into a corner and they sit down.

Rory wants to say all the things she thought in the car, some at least. She tells him she read the book, how much she loved it, and he laughs a little, clearly pleased, despite saying he'd change lots of things. She says how genuine it is, and he makes a joke, calls her Miss Yale Editor but they both know it's a real compliment and Rory grins. She makes out that it's hard, rewriting and reassuring and handing out work but he can see through that and tells her she loves it, which she does. Rory used to meet him after school and complain about the Franklin and he'd say that no matter how tough Paris was, how desperate the deadline, she was relishing every moment and it was true. It's still true, now, she loves being editor and she blushes as he cautiously says she looks happier. Was it so clear she was unhappy? No one else saw it, or if they did they didn't remark on it, but Jess noticed straightaway. She is happier and she tells him so and then he's leaning closer and all she can think of is how much she's missed him, needs him and then her lips are on his and they're kissing and it's like no time has passed since they split up, it doesn't matter, they know each other and they know this and it's _right _but then an alarm goes off in Rory's mind, reminding her this isn't right, this is wrong, she's with Logan and she pulls away in shock.

Jess sits dazed for a moment, asking what it is and she's burbling, she just wanted to see him, not do this and it's not fair and she can't cheat on Logan like he did on her and Jess sits up, understanding settling on his face, and hurt. Rory hates herself. He asks if she fixed everything and she has, everything but Logan and he says he hates this, insists _you came here alone, to Philadelphia_, and something is pulling in her mind, and it's when she was late after going to New York and her mother said _you went by yourself, to see Jess_, and Rory shakes it away, pushes its meaning back and all she can say is that Logan was out of town. Jess tells her he doesn't deserve this and he's right, he doesn't, and she's a jerk and helplessly she says she can't help being in love with Logan. It sounds weak, like she imagines herself saying dropping out just kind of happened, and Jess says he'll have to get a poet to explain it. There is nothing else to say. All she can do is leave.

He asks where she's parked and watches her go. He calls out that she can tell _that guy_ they did something, if she wants, and though part of her wants to, she knows she won't. She doesn't want to go. She doesn't want to go but she can't stay and all she can do is thank Jess, who was kinder than she deserves. What has she done? She wasn't going there for this. She wanted to see Jess, thank him, say she was proud, but kissing him was not in her mind. She bites her lip as she slips out, rounds the corner to her car. His taste is still in her mouth, sweet and familiar.

Rory sits in the car but doesn't start the engine. Her mind is in a whirl. Where did kissing Jess come from? She just wanted see him, talk to him, and then they were kissing and it felt so natural. Like they'd never split up, like the time hadn't gone by. Well, it did feel different. They're older now so it was different to before, but in a good way. Not like when she kissed Dean again and was trying to recapture what used to be. With Jess, it wasn't recapturing, it was knowing him again and Rory shakes her head in denial. She can't be thinking these things, enjoying kissing him. She's with Logan. He's hurt her, but she's with him. She's supposed to love him. Rory swallows. She's only just got her life back on track, found a kind of normality. She can't shake it up by leaving Logan, striking out on her own, can she? And even if she could, what is she supposed to do now? Jess is inside, hurt, and Logan is physically hurting himself, though Rory can already see him stroll through the door, smirking and slightly hungover. Her stomach twists at the thought. She said she loves him, but all the things which attracted her to him are starting to turn her away. She needs to talk to him, make him have a serious conversation, not allow them to brush it over with flowers and expensive gifts. Maybe when Jess returned something more than simply going back to Yale happened. Logan thought they broke up after they fought, maybe that was a sign. Maybe she shouldn't have been so eager to try again.

It's too much to think of now. Rory can't sit here, with the rain starting to fall, alone in Philadelphia. What if Jess comes out and sees her? What if she winds up spending the night in her car and another memory churns as she remembers finding Jess there, that night. She has to drive back and think, though Rory knows she won't turn her cellphone back on. She can't talk to anyone, she can barely look at herself. She came here thinking she's figured everything out and now, she knows, she's hardly figured anything out at all. She thought she loved Logan, but if she does, why did she kiss Jess without thinking about it? Why was it so perfect, before she remembered it was completely wrong? She can never tell anyone.

Rory turns on the engine and starts to drive. Much like before, her thoughts aren't on the road. Rory knows it's not going to be easy as she wishes it could be. She imagines this talk with Logan won't go well, she knows it for a fact, even if he doesn't know about her trip here. She imagines picking up the phone and calling Jess's number, someday in the future, and he'll say, _Hey_ and she'll say _hey _back, say she's sorry, but Jess will ask _what's going on? _She won't need to say she's unhappy or confused, he'll already know, and as she talks to him she won't have to pretend. She'll listen to him, too. And maybe one day he'll want to see her again and when he sees her, before she even opens her mouth, she'll relax at his smile. He's already listening. He already knows her.


End file.
